Live. Love. Laugh.

05 July 2009 @ 07:38 pm

Yesterday being the 4th of July was actually a good day. Spent alot of time with family at my grandmothers and then later on in the night me ad my younger sister went to my friends house for a party. And what a blast that party was. It had everything. People walking around on stilts, beer pong, other drinking games I had never played before, campfire with smores, a row boat which a few of us took out, plenty of beer, shots of liquer, people loosing bets and running around naked, irish jigg dancing. Seriously just an epic party like always. Didn't come home till nearly 5am. And it is going on tonight as well but I am here sitting in my room instead. Why?

Because last night after I got to the party, the guy I've been dating or not dating or whatever he freaking says we are, says he was going to ask me to come visit him. Now we live in the same state, just about an hour apart. Wouldn't think it's a big deal but apparently he is. Everytime we go on break from school I try to get him to let me visit one day or maybe have him come down to me. But it has only happened once and that was a year ago. So since he was talking about it last night I was trying to get him to go for it today. But obvisouly it didn't happen or I wouldn't be here right now.

It just hurts so much. Obvisouly I miss him way more than he misses me. There is always an excuse as to why I can't visit. Whether he says something is going on with his mom, or he has plans already (which have always ended up falling through in the end which makes me even more frustrated), or he claims there is no way for him to entertain me. I try and try but I never succeed. I am at the brink of giving up totally. It would be nice to actually be missed and wanted. But that coming from him will never happen most likely.

So why do I bother to stick around if this is the kind of things he pulls when we are seperated for like 3 weeks? Good question. Wish I had an answer. Of course I care about him, love him to death. But it is becoming more and more evident each day that goes by and he just has excuse after excuse as to why I can't visit, that I am nothing more than a security blanket for him. When we are in school and seperated by a 5floor elevator ride, I am easily accessible and there for emotional needs as well as physical needs. But when we are away all I hear is how bored he is and how he has nothing to do but won't let me visit.

I don't know what to do about it anymore. I don't want to walk away even though I know if a friend were in this position I would be saying they need to walk away and move on. But I can't follow my own advice for some reason. Ugh this is just an awful feeling which makes this an awful day.

Tags: emotional, life, relationships

Current Location: Bedroom

Current Mood:

frustrated

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28 June 2009 @ 09:03 pm

Few more hours

Tonight at midnight I will finally see which class I failed this time. Ugh I am so stressed over it. And for the past few days I have been sitting at home because none of my friends really wanted to do anything. So my weekend has been so insanley boring. Great family time yes, but I like splitting my days with family and then going out with friends.

Today I attempted to get some color since it was sunny for once. When the clouds started to roll in I decided to go to my high school to run on the track. Been trying to do that a few times a week, just go and run the mile. Well today I ran the mile and took myself a step further and ran up and down the bleachers a few times. I was dying! I hadn't eaten anything before I went out which was a big mistake. But I didn't get sick or faint so it was all good. I feel exhausted now.

Alot going on this week. Tomorrow I go to the eye doctor, yay! I love the eye doctor visits. And my sister comes home tomorrow night so I am going to pick her up from the airport around 11pm. Tuesday night is my dads last night of work, he is retiring after 25yrs, so in celebration we are going to be suprising him at work with some good selection of food. Wednesday is a family celebration of my dads retirement so anyone 21 or older in the family is heading to Atlantic City to gamble and drink the night away. I will of course be the youngest at 22, and I am dragging my friend Brent as my date because everyone else in the family that is going are all married.

Busy week. Anxiety tonight because of grades. I need a relaxer.

Tags: family, life, school

Current Location: Living Room

Current Mood:

anxious

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25 June 2009 @ 02:21 am

Little Better

After going out with some friends this afternoon and evening I feel a little better than I did earlier. Of course the situation has not changed, nothing I can really do at this moment anyways, but I feel like this is the smack in the face I need. Sad how some people in life are just naturally self motivated and can achieve what they want by pushing them selfves. Where as I am apart of the group of people that go through trial and error at least once before they realize they need to straighten out.

I feel more mature than I was two years ago when I first started school, but not mature enough obviously to be as responisble as I should be with passing my classes. This needs to change. I do not want to be like most of my friends who did not go to school and are now stuck in some minium wage paying job. I love my friends with all my heart, I just think, no I know, that all could do so much better. I do not want to end up living in a boyfriends house paying his parents rent and sharing phone plan and buying a mattres with him. I don't want to get married yet and have a family yet. Gee I can't even find a guy who shows me the same amount of commitment I show him. But the point is I don't want to be stuck in this town forever.

I saw myself heading down that road when I was 19 and it scared the shit out of me. So I broke of my 3 year relationship, stopped going to school for something I had no interest in other than knowing it would pay well and give me job security so I could get married to that guy at a young age. It was awful to be so young and seeing myself going no where. So I found a school that offered a major in something I was passionate about and loved doing and I left this town to pursue that.

Since I've been out there I became a whole new person. Made my own life out there. It feels amazing to be so free. But if I can't finish what I started out there then that was seemingly pointless to even attempt. So I need to do this for myself. I need to find that determination that was in me when I decided I wanted better. And I alone can do that, no one can do that for me. No one can make me pass and graduate. Only I can. I will not be a failure.

The final verdict is that this is MY time. If I feel like someone or something is holding me back, then I'm sorry but they will have to be cut loose from my life. I can not allow anything to get in my way.

This feeling is amazing. I feel confident, sure of myself, and motivated. Finally.

Tags: life, school

Current Location: Bed

Current Mood:

content

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24 June 2009 @ 04:06 pm

Failed

That title isn't just some emo thing. I went on to see of my grades from this past quarter were posted yet. Grades aren't released for a few more days but my GPA was updated today. Still not where it needs to be. The worst part was where it says how many credits I attempted and how many I earned. I attempted 15 and only earned 12. So I proceeded to check to see if I have a hold on my school account, which I do for a failed course. I am not sure which class I failed. I have it narrowed down to two, but honestly I tried so hard to prevent this. I slacked a majority of the quarter in a few classes, I'll admit that. But I kicked myself into high gear and got everything I could done to enable myself to pass. I guess that just kicked in too late and the hole I had buried myself in was too deep to climb out of succesfully.

I would have settled for a D, I just can't fail anymore classes. I'm 22 and still screwing up college. This is awful. With every class that I fail my graduation becomes pushed farther away. I'm beginning to fear that I will end up fucking myself over and not even graduating. My parents are unaware that I am doing worse than they think I am. When I do well in a class and tell them about it they get so happy and proud of me. I'm really nothing more than a let down.

This is no ones fault but my own. I allow myself to be distracted by a certain guy, I put him ahead of everything I do and myself. I'll go out with friends and drink instead of doing homework. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm too busy thinking that I need someone to care about me the way I do for them, that I'll put all else aside to do whatever I can to make that happen. If I could only set my mind to my work the way I set my heart to that person, then I could do all my work and graduate.

I think my fear of being alone and wanting what I give to someone in return is preventing me from actually do well in real life. Is this the wake up call I finally need? Perhaps, but I've said all this before and I continue to plummit. Maybe I'm doomed.

I have to do something! Either find a way to balance my time with the person I care about and get my work done. Which he seems to be more than capable of doing, he'll throw our time aside in a heartbeat to finish his work and always does very well. Where as I will dump my work to spend time with him. Something is wrong there. I'm too dependent of that time. If I can't balanace the time then I need to focus all energy on work. No more other person. No more boozing. I may very well have to take on an extra class this summer.

I think it is time for a serious reality check. I need to grow up.

Tags: life, relationships, school

Current Location: Bedroom

Current Mood:

disappointed

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23 June 2009 @ 03:01 pm

Waiting

Just waiting for my clothes to dry so I can have clean clothes to go jog in, just to dirty them all over again. The weather has been so depressing lately. Hardly any sunshine the past few days. I want to lay out on the beach and attempt to get color but with no sun that is impossible. Should have been going to Oregon this week but my family lacks the money to be able to make that happen. Basically during the day I am in boreville, another reason I decided to start jogging again for some minor entertainment and time killing.

So since it has been like well over a year since I started up this journal and then proceeded to stop, alot has happened and changed. Relationships have come and gone, both of the romantic kind and friendship kind. Family issues have their moments of escalating pretty bad but usually at some point subside. And school has been driving me insane with the amount of stress, but I have to be honest and say I cause alot of that stress on myself. So basically it is typical life haha.

I am on a 3week break from classes and in the second week of July, I go back to Philly to attend my summer classes. All I want to do these next few weeks is enjoy the company of my family and friends. I miss my friends from school that I see almost everyday. And my friends here at home all have their own lives that include jobs, bills, and responsibilities. And all I'm doing for 3 weeks is sitting around waiting for them to have free time to hang out. So far I've been out with somebody almost every night so I can't complain. I just wish the weather was 10x better!

Since I haven't done much today there isn't much else to say yet. So maybe later.

Tags: life

Current Location: Bed

Current Mood:

hopeful

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23 June 2009 @ 03:22 am

It has been forever....

It has been forever since I was last on. I don't even know why I created a live journal and then just stopped. Ha. Seems pointless. Anyways, I figured since I have become obsessed with typing my thoughts instead of writing now, that it would be appropriate to come back to this site and be fully committed.

So here I am, about a year and a half or more since my last entry. And wow has life changed. I'll dwell on that more another time.

I merely am posting this and on-line now just to make myself fall asleep, so later on in the day I can elaborate on my thoughts. Even if I end up having no friends on this site, it is just nice to get things off your mind. And for some reason I enjoy the feeling of typing my thoughts. Maybe I just like hitting the keys on my laptop and listening to them click as I type quickly.

Anyways, it is sleepy time for me.

Tags: life

Current Location: Bed

Current Mood:

sleepy

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22 October 2007 @ 05:27 pm

Back In The City

I took the bus home friday, that was interesting. I had no other choice because I had no ride. So I took the bus to Asbury where Paul picked me up. He was working till 9, so I chilled with him at work till then. That was a fun nite becasue everyone he works with is soooo chill and funny, and I got to have a beer :)

Saturday I just sat at home wilh the family until Paul got off of work, then I went over his house. He had to clean his room so we didn't go out. I like just hanging out at his house watching TV and cuddling on the couch, among other thigs hehe.

Sunday was our 7month so Paul and I hung out like almost all day. We went to Seaside and walked the boardwalk and I took some black and white pictures. Hopefully I can use some of them for projects for school. We grabbed some food at good old Toms River Diner, I love that place. Then we got some ice cream at Friendly's before we went to the movies to see "The Heartbreak Kid'. Seriously that movies was histerical! I recommend everyone go see it. After the movies we were bored because it was 9:30pm on a sunday. We ended up in Brick Town at a billiard where Paul taught me to play pool.

I beat him!!!

Technically 3 times because he plays by the rules, but the first two games were by default, the 3rd was a real game and it was a legit win!!

From there we ended up at wawa grabbing some midnight snacks. At like 1am we weren't tired so we just parked in Silverton Park and talked. Yes we just talked, mainly becuase we took care of that other business earlier hehe. A cop pulled into the lot and asked us for our I.D.'s!! He took Paul outta the Jeep to question him and the proceeded to open my door to question me. How lame is that? That dude had nothing better to do then check out two kids just sitting and talking. Oh well we didn't get a ticket so I'm happy.

Now I'm back at school and I have a class in 20 minutes so I gotta go so I'm not late.

Tags: life

Current Location: Living Room

Current Mood:

blah

Current Music: Boys Like Girls- Five Minutes to Midnight

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19 October 2007 @ 12:23 am

I Should Be Sleeping

It's 12:25am, I should be sleeping. I have an 8am class, which means I need to be up in like 6hrs so I can shower.

Yea so I moved from my hometown of Toms River, NJ to Phili because I am going to school out here. The city is way different than what I'm use too, but I like it. I found a school that can give me a B.A. in Photography, which I love with all my heart. Waking up without my family here isn't that bad, sure I miss my dad because he is hilarious, and my sisters, and my mom, and my dogs. But I really enjoy living on my own. I share an apartment with three other girls. Two live here now and we are getting a new one in about a day or so. Dani and Katey are their names, nice gurls, I can honestly say I lucked out big time becuase they are so chill.

The classes are way better than the ones I took at my community college back home. Because it is an Art School you have endless limits to your creativity, so it feels like I have some sort of freedom from the world in a wierd way. I'm still not sure where I'm headed after school but I still have time to figure that out.

I don't know why I started this online journal. I've actually never been a fan of this site. Maybe it is because I'm so bored and Myspace and Livejournal were not helping that boredum. But whatever the reason I still made it.

I'm going home tomorrow till sunday, I have to take the bus because I have no one to pick me up. I've never traveled alone except on the school bus but I don't think that counts. I'm sure it won't be too bad. I'll have my Ipod and laptop so I should be well occupied.

I need a job, but I really don't want one.

I miss my Jeep. I miss my dog. I miss my bed.

I'm sleepy.

Bedtime Now.

Goodnight.

Tags: bored, little homesick

Current Location: Living Room

Current Mood:

sleepy

Current Music: Lucero- Nights Like These

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